Not-So-Picky Nikki

When I was just a little tyke, my parents used to call me Picky Nikki because I was, well, picky with food.  I would go through phases of liking something and then not liking the same thing...  And the only vegetables I would eat would be broccoli, cauliflower, and corn (which, I know, isn't really a vegetable).  Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't nearly as picky as some other people I know - I was just the pickiest member of the family! 

As time has gone on, I've gotten a whole lot less picky - in fact, now I wouldn't call me picky at all!  Sure, I don't like pickles (yes, I get the irony in all the "pick" words), mustard, or some of the stronger tasting types of shellfish... But I like most other things, at least to some degree, and I'm willing to try almost anything.  I've also come to like a lot of foods that I used to hate: tomatos, shrimp, coffee, spaghetti (I know, who hates spaghetti?), and so many others.  Heck, I've even found some beers that I don't mind... Maybe pickles and mustard are next!

But my point really has nothing to do with my eating habits (though I seem to be stuck on that topic, probably due to the time and fact that I haven't had dinner yet)... My point has everything to do with my general lack of selectiveness!  I can watch almost any TV show or any movie and be content - I might laugh at it or I might laugh with it, I might be engrossed in the story or engrossed in the subject matter, I might find it entertaining as a subject I know little about or entertaining when it gets something incorrect regarding I subject I know a lot about...  I can find a way to at least semi-enjoy myself watching almost anything.  And that sounds great, in a way, because it means that I'm easy to please and the people around me can be free to watch whatever they want (except baseball... I just can't find anything enjoyable about baseball).  But, in another way, it's terrible, because I can get sucked into hours of "Tabatha's Salon Take-Overs" or "Intervention" or whatever else happens to be on...

My latest trouble is that I am terrible at weeding down my music collection and finding the appropriate things to add to my collection.  I'd love a nice cohesive collection that combines everything that I really love, eliminates the stuff that I rarely listen to, and doesn't consume my entire hard drive!  But I'm not picky enough!  Sure, I managed to delete a few things, but my list of bands to add more than doubles the deleted material and I've barely made a dent in the list I made of bands to check out... And, sadly enough, I even considered (for a moment!) downloading some One Direction... If you don't know who that is, it's probably a good thing, since they are essentially the Backstreet Boys for today's generation of teenage girls... (What can I say? Their song makes me smile whenever its on the radio...)  I did resist however, but my collection is growing out of control and I'm not picky enough to decide what to keep and what to ditch.  This could've been such an easy project too if I was a little of a music snob... ;o)

Great Expectations...

So I must admit, I've never actually read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens... And I barely remember the summary of the plot that I'm sure I read about 15 years ago.  All I remember is that the main character is Pip...  And I can can just imagine what he feels like, if the plot has anything to do with the title...

I feel like I've lived my whole life trying to live up to other people's expectations of me.  I've always been the "good girl" because that was expected of me...  I always got straight A's because that was expected of me...  I also tended to follow the path that I believed others expected me to take - I played soccer, played the trumpet, went to college, majored in physician assistant studies, and so much more.  And I often wonder how many of my decisions are because I wanted to make them and how many were what I believed I was expected to do...

I can tell you one concrete example of me ignoring the expectations of others and making my own decision... (But, sadly, that's all that I can think of and be sure about!)  I dated Ian throughout high school and for the first part of college - everyone expected me to stay with him forever and marry him.  Well, I shocked everyone when I dumped him...  And everyone was shocked again when I began to date Aaron.  Those were my decisions - I know that for sure...  But the rest of my life?  I'm not so sure what I've wanted and what I "wanted" because it was what everyone else wanted for me...

Right now, I find I'm drowning in great expectations of others...  My parents seem to expect one thing and Aaron expects another.  Everyone wants something from me and all their desires conflict.  I think the real pressures are coming from my parents but I just don't feel like I can please everyone at the same time and I'm always being pulled in multiple directions...  For example, today, Beth wanted me to go to a doctor's appointment today at 12:15; after it was over, she wanted me to go with her to lunch at a Mexican restaurant (because she's never eaten Mexican before - I know, right?!).  So we ate lunch at around 1:30pm, which means, although it's only 4:30pm now, I won't be hungry said "Of course!"  When we were talking about ideas of what to do, I mentioned going to Appalachian Brewing Company for the 4pm-6pm Happy Hour...  However, I don't drink beer so I figured I'd get an appetizer.  But I definitely won't be hungry by 6pm so I'd end up just sitting there - no fun!  So I was "pulled" in the direction of a late lunch with Beth, but I'm also "pulled" in the direction of Happy Hour with Aaron...  And let's not even mention my parents - my mom has already pulled out chicken for dinner which means she'll expect me to eat dinner with them (hungry or not). 

Conclusion: I can't please everyone...  I need to find a way to please myself and hopefully everyone else will be happy for me and with me...  Wish me luck.

Drunk Nikki

Let me start off by saying that the title of this post is clearly a joke - practically an oxymoron!  In high school, I was the president of S.A.D.D. (which is, ironically, sad - and pathetic).  In college, I made it until the end of my sophomore year before I had my first drink of alcohol.  In fact, I was almost 6 months from my 21st birthday at that point!  (In case you're wondering, my first bit of alcohol - not counting church wine - was a shot of Absolut Vanilla.)  Even once I started drinking, I was never the type to get all crazy with it.  Sure, I got drunk on numerous occasions but I never blacked out or did anything that I regretted.  I "loosened up" but never lost control.  And, unfortunately, I've gotten sick from alcohol on two separate occasions - both of which were terrible mistakes (one was when I was first learning my limits and the other was just after finals when my roommates and I decided to finish up the liquor in the apartment).  That's about it for me... 

In college, we would drink on Thursdays because there was a bar down the road that had an awesome cover band (GoGoGadjet - I knew the drummer through my brother) every Thursday; they also had $2 pitchers of rum & coke or Long Island iced tea!  Needless to say, those were cheap but totally amazing nights!  Then we would usually go out (or stay in, having a party at our place) either Friday night or Saturday night.  I'd guess that I'd drink 2.5 nights a week...  For a college kid, that's pretty reasonable!

After college was over, I was back home with my parents and rarely, if ever, went out to drink.  During the summer, I'd have a malted beverage (Mike's Hard Lemonades, Smirnoff drinks, Captain Morgan Parrot Bay drinks, etc.) out by the pool occasionally.  But I'd guess that I'd consume .5 drinks per month from fall to spring and about 2 drinks per week during the summer...  Very minimal for a twenty-something!

After moving out of my parents' house, I was living in York with Aaron (then eventually in Mechanicsburg)...  We rarely had alcohol in the house and would just occasionally get a drink while out at a restaurant.  We would sometimes visit his friends in Baltimore and have a few drinks there as well.  But, still, my consumption levels were about the same as when I lived at my parents....

So what has me thinking about how much I do (or don't, as it may be) drink?  Because tonight I'm headed downtown for a birthday celebration for my "sis," Beth.  I'm sure I'll drink a bit, but I'm probably drinking so that will certainly temper my consumption (no DUIs for me please!).  Beth, on the other hand, well, I intend on making sure she has as much as she wants, being that it was her birthday and all!  And the thought of her getting drunk makes me think about when I've been drunk lately...  And I can only come up with one time in the recent past and I would have put myself more at the tipsy/buzzed level than drunk... (And yes, I know "buzzed driving is drunk driving" but "buzzed" doesn't not equal "drunk"!)

That one night was actually only about three weeks ago!  One of my college roommates and I went back to Wilkes-Barre, the old college town, for the weekend.  Another roommate lived in Scranton so she came down to join us...  We started at the Hardware Bar which was connected to Club Mardi Gras and Buck's Wild Rode House.  There were $1 drinks so things got going quickly (and cheaply).  We hit all three bars but pretty much stayed in the Rode House because it wasn't crazy crowded or overly loud.  Around 11 or so, we left for Rodano's which was quite close; we met up with Tommy, my gay boyfriend from college!  (I was so excited to see Tommy that I ran right past the bouncer who was not too happy with me after that...)  From Rodano's we went to The Moon (yes, The Moon!!), which was a dive bar that one of our friends (he joined our group at the Rode House) suggested since he knew the owner.  And there we stayed until 2:30am!  I kept requesting water but my lovely friends kept giving me vodka & Sprite instead...  So, by the end of the night, I was feeling pretty loose!  (At which point, we went to a diner, met a guy who works on movies and knows M. Night Shyamalan and paid for our dinner.) 

My point?  In my wise "old" age, I am very familiar with my limits and definitely can drink without losing control or doing something I will regret.  And "letting go" can feel really good...  I let myself think and feel things that I keep bottled up; I can be myself without worrying about what other people think about me; I just have fun without my logical self getting in the way.  So why do I drink so infrequently?  I'm sure it's because, while I can enjoy letting go, I am very fearful of losing control; I keep my life in order and have a reason behind everything I do...  Alcohol could strip me of that control and order...  However, while I don't think many people think of alcohol as being "healthy" (besides the benefits from a glass of wine a night or whatever it may be), part of me thinks that letting myself drink more and open up could be good for me...

Pet Peeves

Everyone has at least one thing that drives them up a wall...  I'm sure I do things that drive others up a wall - in fact, I know I do.  I've been told that I repeat things too much - it runs in my family, what can I say?!  (I'll tell a story and then go to add onto it at a later date, but I feel the need to repeat the initial story before continuing with the update!)  I find pet peeves to be interesting...  Different people have different pet peeves.  One person's quirks may drive a particular person crazy while those same quirks may not be a blip on another person's radar. 

So what are your pet peeves?  I find it amusing that most of us don't seem to know our own pet peeves until we are facing them...  Try it: list all of your pet peeves.  I'm sure you can't list them all; I'm impressed if you've managed to list half of them!  It seems like pet peeves are situational...  When we are around them, it's all we notice, but when we are away, it's like we block them out!

So what are my pet peeves?  Like I've suggested, I'm sure I can only come up with a pathetic representation of my actual list, but here goes! 

1. Nail biting (and yet I surround myself with nail biters)
2. Leaving the toilet seat up
3. Dripping faucets
4. Letting the radio, heat, AC, windshield wipes, etc. on when turning off the car
5. People who grunt excessively at the gym (okay, I know a bit of noise may be inevitable but no one needs to hear you imitate a wild hog)
6. Chewing with your mouth open
7. Asking me a question after I just told you the answer
8. People who tail gate me while I'm driving
9. People who drive in the left lane even though they aren't passing anyone
10. Annoying commercial jingles that get stuck in my head
11. People who talk on their phones or talk loudly in the movie theater (during the movie - do whatever you want before the previews start)
12. Everyone who pretends to be Irish on St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get wasted
13. Judgmental people
14. People who sit at their table after they have finished their dinner, just chatting forever, when there are a whole ton of people waiting to get a seat
15. Facial hair (I'm sorry - I just find a clean shaven guy to be so much more attractive and I hate getting my face scratched when I get too close)
16. Persistant political discussions (yes, I'm a law student that hates talking politics...)
17. "Posers" (I know that term probably went "out" fifteen years ago, but it still does the best job of describing what I hate...)
18. Impatient people (for example: people who cut in line, people who don't understand the concept of merging when driving, etc.)

Well that appears to be all I can think of today!  Now, I'm sure my list makes me look like I'm easily annoyed, but please don't get confused!  Some of these pet peeves only mildly irritate me; most of them, I'm able to ignore.  Plus, I spent all day trying to compile my list...  And, more importantly, I think if you examined your own list, you'd find you have quite a few pet peeves yourself...!

Pain and Sympathy

I mentioned in my introductory post that I had a knee replacement recently...  In my years of knee problems, I've dealt with my share of pain, swelling, and general discomfort.  The knee replacement was intended to eliminate, or at least minimize, my pain; it was also intended to increase my quality of life (like enable me to climb stairs or walk long distances).  Now, the few weeks post-op were pretty painful - I had to force my knee to go straight and to bend, and, let me tell you, it didn't want to do either!  As time went on, the muscles in my leg started to function better and the joint started to work more smoothly; however, the pain did not disappear.  Even still, my pain level was lower than it had been pre-op!  Time has been good to me and the pain has continued to decrease - now I'd guess that I only experience pain about 10% of the time and it's a fairly low level of pain (maybe a 2 or 3 on a scale of 0-10). 

While it's not perfect, I am quite happy with how things have gone and with the results (thus far) of the surgery.  I don't expect (and never had unrealistic expectations) that I would live completely pain-free...  But, no matter what I expected, I must admit that painful days make me a little depressed.  Sure, I have lifetime restrictions - no running, jumping, pivoting, mechanical bull riding, or bungee-jumping (basically - avoid anything that isn't low-impact).  I knew that I would never quite be "normal" again (but I wasn't able to do "normal" things before the surgery) but I want to get to the point where I'm as close as possible to normal...  The thing that gets to me is when the pain prevents me from doing what I want to do.  For example, today, I had trouble going shopping because my knee was hurting and just felt weak (like it would give out at any time); this evening, I was dipping cake balls in chocolate and had trouble standing for the hour that it took to dip the cake balls.  It just stinks when I think about the future and wonder whether I'll always have trouble doing "normal" things. 

The other thing that I was thinking about today, related to the pain, is sympathy...  I hate to tell others when I'm in pain because I don't like to generate sympathy.  (Usually it doesn't matter if I keep my mouth shut because the pain tends to make me limp and that's harder to hide...)  In fact, I usually get quickly annoyed with people who seek the sympathy and attention of others - don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people talking about their pain and problems but you don't need to post a Facebook status about the bad day you're having just so others will comment and offer sympathy.  Anyway, back to my point...  One of the things that I realized is that it is much easier to have empathy for another than to have sympathy.  When I watch sports and see someone injure their arm or shoulder, I feel a little bad (especially if they are on the team that I'm rooting for!), but if someone injures their knee?!  I don't care which team the player is on, I immediately feel for him or her.  I can feel the empathy pains in my knee - I can literally feel the player's pain! 

I began to think about that idea in other contexts.  It doesn't come as any shock to me that empathy is easier than sympathy - it's easier to remember something than to imagine it.  But I am a bit surprised at how much harder sympathy is to muster and how hard it can be to relate to another human being.  For example, when someone talks to me about a relative dying, I can relate; my grandfather (my Pop-Pop) died when I was in high school.  I was very close to my Pop-Pop and believe he is the closest I've ever come to meeting a real-life saint.  I can understand the feeling of loss and bewilderment.  However, if someone were to talk to me about battling addiction, I would not be able to relate; I've never battled an addiction and I've never been close to anyone battling addiction.  I'm sure I could come up with the some cliche remarks, but would I really be able to find a way to relate and help the person?  Probably not...  And that's the sad truth.  The best we can really do is try to put ourselves (clumsily and with little probable success) into the other person's shoes; we can try to analogize to situations we've encountered but that technique is full of holes as well.  Even sadder?  There really isn't any way to fix this problem besides put ourselves through a pile of difficult situations...  And I don't know many people who would be amenable to that solution!  Until then, I guess I'll just do my best, ask you to do yours, and we'll all keep trying...

I need a new best friend...

So for quite some time, the running joke with my college friends has been asking whether I want to be a guy's new best friend when we suspected (or found out) that a guy was gay.  Now that sounds like a terrible joke or like we were being disrespectful...  But the trust is that I love gay men!  Sure, tons of women say that - saying they want a shopping partner or someone to give them fashion advice or whatever.  But, no, that's not me.  I have just always gravitated towards gay men.  Some of my gay male friends have been stereotypical gays, some have been goth gays...  And I have NEVER had one of my "gay boyfriends" take me shopping or pick out my outfit.  I don't love gay men because they are gay... I just always seem to get along with them. 

I'm sure this still sounds bad - but words on a page only seem to do so-good of a job of explaining myself!  If I had to guess, I'd say it relates to my history of being a tomboy.  I've always been friends with lots of guys and I tend to relate better to males than females (girls can be so catty!).  As I've gotten older, my male friends and I have grown apart - things get weird when one of us starts to feel like more than friends or when one of us has a significant other that is jealous, etc.  But there is never that issue with gay men!  Their boyfriends aren't jealous or worried about their relationship with me and we certainly won't fall for each other! 

In fact, in my first year of law school, my criminal law professor recommended that we take the Harvard bias tests; this professor was obsessed with racism and sexism and the Harvard tests show that people are inherently bias towards their own "kind" (i.e. generally white people are biased towards whites, Asians are biased towards Asiants, etc.).  For some extra fun, I took the homosexual bias test.  While it really shouldn't have been much of a surprised, I was a bit shocked when the results came back and I found that I was biased TOWARDS homosexuals!  (I don't have any bias towards lesbians that I'm consciously aware of, but the bias test did not differentiate between gay males and lesbian females so I guess I'm bias towards any homosexual.)

With all of that said, and I'm sure a few people (if anyone actually reads this) rolling their eyes and thinking ill of me, I need a new "gay boyfriend."  I'm back in my hometown and all of my gay best friends were at college - none of them live nearby and Facebook communication just doesn't cut it!  Of course, this post is mostly a joke - I'm willing to be friends with anyone awesome enough to hang with me, no sexual orientation requirements!  That said, however, if you're a gay man who wants a straight girlfriend - I'm here! ;o)

Rational and Logical

Lately, I've been watching the TV show "Bones" on Netflix.  What can I say?  The science geek in me loves it...  I enjoy the scientific experimentation and the forensics work!  I love the characters on the show as well.  Dr. Temperance Brennan (played by Emily Deschanel) is so rational and logical - she is ruled by science and not emotion.  Special Agent Seeley Booth (played by David Boreanaz) is charming and personable - he balances out Dr. Brennan perfectly.  Angela Montenegro (played by Michaela Conlin - originally from Allentown, PA! Whoop whoop!) is the pretty, artsy, yet smart girl - she adds some much-needed spunk to the show and humanizes Dr. Brennan.  Dr. Jack Hodgins (played by T.J. Thyne) is the quirky, cute nerd - he does science with some flair and lots of fun.  Dr. Camille Saroyan (played by Tamara Taylor) is the upbeat and enthusiastic boss - she spends plenty of time exploring the personal sides of her co-workers and helps explain a lot of the scientific conclusions to the lay audience.  Finally, Dr. Lance Sweets (played by John Francis Daley) is the incredibly over-smart, young, eager psychologist - he helps bring out the drama between all the characters and gives the rest of the characters someone to pick on.

Part of me really wishes that the character I related to best would be Angela... I would love to be artsy and yet so smart and versatile.  However, the truth is that I am closest to Dr. Brennan.  Sure, I'm not as drastically rational and logical as she is, but I certainly view the world in terms of what is rational, logical, and practical.  While I feel my share of emotions and while I have let my emotions get the best of me, I tend to temper my emotions by what I know to be the logical or rational choice.  I believe that I've always been this way.  Heck, when I graduated from college and got to pick my car (my dad bought me a car since I had a full scholarship to college and he made me a deal when I was younger that if I got a full-ride, I'd get a new "ride" upon graduation), I didn't want a sporty car - I wanted a car with a good size trunk, good gas mileage, and a roomy interior!  I wanted a sedan instead of a coupe because I planned to have the car for a long time and didn't want to worry about putting a car seat into the back of a coupe...  Who thinks that way at my age?  Clearly I do! 

I rarely make a decision lightly...  Sure, I'll buy a shirt on impulse or grab a pack of gum at the grocery check-out, but I make all big decisions with a lot of thought and weighing of options.  I approach difficult situations with a logical decisions and tend to argue using logic and rational reasoning.  However, I've been told that logic and rational reasoning are often ineffective because most people are ruled by emotions and logic won't alter emotion.  Sometimes I wonder why I can rationalize and reason the way I do...  Why do my emotions not just take over?  Am I "blocked" or is it my personality?  I believe it's a personality matter - I'm definitely left-brained!  I see things as blocks that can be arranged; I see patterns that can be made; I see all situations as a maze that must just be solved.  Sure, this makes me sound cold.  And, sure, Dr. Brennan takes that to an extreme.  But, really!  I do feel emotions and I am not cold - I just think things through and I am able to overpower some emotions with logic when I need to...  Get to know me some more and you'll see - while I relate best to Dr. Brennan, I'm a nice blend of overly logical Dr. Brennan and more emotional Angela; call me level-headed!